The New Gayest Thing Ever

Previously on (a) Waxeater, I crowned Videoblogs The Gayest Thing Ever. And they're still up there -- way, way up there -- but life is a contest in which we prove to whatever put us all here that it made a grievous error in allowing us to plow through resources that should have been reserved for much more awesome creatures, such as the squirrel, by constantly outgaying ourselves.

It is with that in mind that I strip the paper crown from videoblogs and place it onto the misshapen domepiece of Internet Product Reviewers, Particularly Those That Review iPhone Cases.

A couple of weeks ago, I was surprised at work with a brand new iPhone to replace my piece of shit Treo. While I loathe the thought of joining the ranks of people who give a shit what Steve Jobs is up to at any given moment, I was also relieved that I would no longer have to make fart noises with my mouth -- I could just download one of fifty or so available apps to do that for me. So I guess it's really a lateral move, at best.

Either way, I was handed an iPhone and expected to use it until it is replaced with some sort of 3D holograph phone a few years from now. And in that time, I'm fully expected to keep the thing in relatively good condition, so one of my first goals as a new, reluctant iPhone user was to quickly research and purchase a decent case. As is the case with the overwhelming majority of my purchases, I immediately headed to Amazon to check prices and -- though I should know better at this point -- read some reviews. Of course Internet consumer reviews aren't always a bad thing, and they've gotten a bit better now that Amazon has done away with anonymous reviews, or reviews written under a pseudonym (sorry ItalianStallion69), but the fact of the matter is that the Internet is full of crybaby malcontents with a deadly combination of broadband connection, too much free time, and no friends or companions to listen to their shitty, First World complaints. By now I've learned to ignore most of these and cherry pick the worthwhile reviews, which usually hover in the 2-3 percentile, but it was while looking for a fucking iPhone case that I allowed one particularly numbskull trend to inexplicably get under my skin: detracting stars from your review for an obscured Apple logo.

Before I continue, I know that it's stupid of me to be bothered by something so trivial (which is exactly what I'm accusing these people of), but motive is really important here. And the motives behind someone rating down a product because it obscures the small, silver logo of their favorite gadget company/cult is far more sinister than mine, so give me a goddamned break.

I won't quote specific reviews here because A) I'm not sure if that violates some sort of weird Amazon copyright and B) I'm far too lazy to poke through all of those reviews again, but there are a number of iPhone case reviews that pretty much go exactly like this:

"Well, the construction on this case is great; it's a very snug fit that provides easy access to all of the iPhone's buttons and rockers and whatever, and I've dropped my iPhone fifty times already without scratching or otherwise damaging the product in any way, but the case completely covers the Apple logo on the back of the phone. So for that I can only give it two stars out of five."

Rather than insult everyone's intelligence by explaining -- at length -- exactly why this so monumentally gay, I'll sum it up by saying that insisting the Apple logo on the back of your iPhone be visible to anyone looking at you is the nerd (and therefore infinitely worse) version of slapping an enormous, vinyl "TOYOTA" sticker across the windshield of your 1999 Maxima; not only are you falsely assuming that anyone gives a shit what kind of car you drive/phone you use, but you're making a point to ensure that the people who don't care know what kind of car you drive/phone you use. And chances are that the only people who are looking at you long enough to wonder what kind of phone you're using out of boredom so intense that they have quite literally already thought about every other imaginable thing in the known universe before turning their attention to what kind of cellular phone someone else prefers are most likely your shithead buddies, who either A) also have iPhones and therefore don't give a fuck because you are on perceived smartphone equal footing or B) have already listened to you verbally fellate your phone extensively while turning it around and around in a futile attempt to switch over to landscape mode while trying to read Gizmodo.

Before being handed an iPhone, which lead to the grisly discovery of Internet Product Reviewers, Particularly Those That Review iPhone Cases, Restaurants That Begin Their Beverage Sizing At Medium was a shoe-in for the new Gayest Thing Ever. But your late entry into the race became a landslide victory, so congratulations, dickdrips!

2009, in summation

Originally, I felt confident that the horror of 2009 could be summed up in one image:



But then I remembered that stuff like this also started to pop up throughout the year:



The worst part is that I had a legitimately hard time choosing between like four or five different (but unfortunately similar) bands to use as an example, but the above really proved itself to be the most embarassing.

Here's to hoping that 2010 blesses us with many more natural disasters.