iPhone users are about to get a whole lot more awful

As if that were even possible.

The day after the original iPhone was released, I was standing in line at the bagel shop next door to my gym when this middle-aged cocksucker -- and he had an air of cocksuckery to begin with -- whips out his brand new iPhone, hoists it above his head like it was the fucking triforce, and begins poking and shaking and twisting it around in order to read the New York Times. Nobody in line really gave a fuck, and hopefully it totally ruined this asshole's entire day.

Fast forward to maybe a year or so ago, and I'm sitting at North 3rd in Philadelphia, enjoying brunch (yeah, I eat brunch), when this yuppie piece of shit whips out his stupid iPhone, shakes it around or whatever until it launches that terminally stupid Star Wars lightsaber app and then proceeds to play with it at full volume for ten minutes while his idiot friends guffaw and high five their dicks. I was so busy grimacing and grinding my teeth in anger that my stuffed french toast went cold.

Fast forward again to a few months ago when my boss here at the office -- who is a grown-ass man -- seriously pays for and begins to frequently use one of those iPhone fart simulators. Now please don't get the wrong idea; I'm a man who has no problem laughing at a good fart. But these aren't farts, rather they are very poor simulations that an adult paid money for. The most embarrassing aspect of this is the fact that he would be sitting alone in his office, and you would hear these synthetic farts coming from his direction. There was never anyone sitting in his office with him to partake in the iHilarity; just one lonely man using a trendy PDA to generate faux flatulence.

But all of this sounds downright pleasant compared to the Hell that is about to be ruthlessly unleashed upon the world: the I Am T-Pain iPhone app which allows any piece of shit with an iPhone to run their voice through auto-tune and annoy everyone within a thirty foot radius that doesn't regularly tweet Chuck Norris jokes.

Ready to sell your shit, buy a typewriter and move out into the middle of the woods like Ted Kaczynski ? Then watch this!