Last night I had a dream in which I had sex with Kate Gosselin

There are two things in particular that trouble me about this: Number one, I generally have no more than two scandalous dreams a year, and now one of those has been wasted on a frumpy reality TV whore with an embarrassingly out-of-date lesbian 'do that more closely resembles a duck's ass than a human's head. And two, I've never watched a single episode of Jon and Kate Plus Eight in my entire life, swear to God. I've seen a few seconds of the show, but filtered through E!'s Talk Soup. It would have made much more sense if it had involved one of the meth skanks from VH1, but I guess that's how pervasive the tabloid drama surrounding these two has become: it's invaded the subconscious of a guy who only turns on his television to watch ancient reruns of COPS on G4. So many moustaches.

Speaking of sleep -- sort of -- I've continued to step my sleep game up tremendously these last couple of weeks. It all started with a new mattress. Just like I do with any potential purchase over $5, I scoured the Internet for days compiling information on mattresses and specifically mattress salesmen. I learned that almost all mattress springs, regardless of what brand mattress they're crammed into, are made by the same company, so buying a mattress based on the assumption that the more expensive mattresses have better springs is like deciding which jeans to buy based on the zipper. Furthermore, I learned that mattress salesmen are total sleazeballs on par with the slimiest of used car salesmen. But I still managed to underestimate just how damn good they were at their jobs, and every feeble attempt I made at haggling (did you know you can haggle mattress prices? Because apparently you can) was quickly shot down and I walked out with an "overstocked" mattress model that I particularly enjoyed. There's still a very real possibility that I was ripped off. But I half feel like if that's the case, I kind of deserve it for putting on such an amateur performance, made all the more inexcusable by my intensive pre-purchase studies.

I topped the mattress off (literally, I guess) with a memory foam pillow designed especially for side sleepers. As I get older and more fragile, even easy shit like sleeping hurts, so I needed to find something that would relieve some of the pressure on my one good (or slightly less busted) shoulder. It cost $140 after taxes. I paid $140 for a pillow; that's how stupid I am.

Anyway...