Carrie Prejean is a faggot.

Once while I was staying at my Grandmother's house in Central New Jersey, I caught a solid twenty minutes of some miscellaneous South American beauty pageant. It was absolutely incredible; the girls were smoking hot, they wore next-to-nothing, and they didn't talk. So imagine my surprise when I found out that not only was the Miss America pageant still a thing, but that it was as lame as ever. And I probably would have remained blissfully ignorant of this garbage if it wasn't for some bleach blonde, cookie cutter nitwit out of California by the name of Carrie Prejean.

Better known as Miss California to sash makers, Prejean tanned her way into the public eye by awkwardly stumbling her way through a question about gay marriage posed by the Internet's Perez Hilton, who got the job of beauty pageant judge by using Microsoft Paint to write the word "FAT" on pictures of Jessica Simpson and not being at all attracted to women. Claiming that both her family and her country were founded on the idea of "opposite marriage" (I swear to fucking God that is what she called it), Prejean sent shockwaves across the CRT televisions of Grandmom's everywhere.

Since I hope to one day marry Georges St-Pierre and recreate, I'm obviously a firm believer and supporter of gay marriage, yet I still couldn't give two shits about this idiot and her stupid opinions. Why? Because, as far as I know, U.S. policy has never been based around the uninformed opinions of its nitwit beauty pageant contestants. So what's all the hub-bub? I guess one could make the argument that it paints our country in a bad light that one of it's most blonde and bronzed citizens is an ignoramus, but I could also make the argument that nobody who cares watches this shit because it's fucking stupid.

Of course the religious right immediately latched on to Carrie and pushed her to become their official spokesdope for hating gay people. Because that's what they do now that most people have finally realized that their policies are garbage and don't work; they enlist the services of gimmicky self-made celebrities like Rush Limbaugh or Jonathan Krohn, the fourteen year old conservative. And so they used Carrie for commercials and robocalls and because she proved herself to be such an eloquent speaker, they made her a presenter for Gospel Music Association's 2009 Dove Awards, an award show which I'm guessing has nothing to do with birds.

But like every good Christian folk hero before her, it turned out that Miss Prejean wasn't as wholesome, good and obedient as she made herself out to be. First off, it was revealed that she had breast implants, paid for by the Miss California pageant. Whoops! Now I'm not a biblical scholar -- I've actually never read more than a few verses that I quoted for a piece on Christian haunted houses a few years ago -- but I'm pretty sure that we were all created in God's image. If this is true, aren't implants, I don't know, kind of blasphemous? Isn't that kind of like saying that you think God needs bigger tits? That seems much worse than allowing two people to share health benefits to me.

But the fun doesn't stop there. It also turns out that before being artificially bustified, Carrie shared her inferior rack with a photographer for some "modeling photos." Again, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that this (pornography) is generally frowned upon by the religious community. Personally I love titties and I hope to one day see every last one (that isn't gross), but this just goes to show that these people are the biggest, most brazen hypocrites and when you put stupid shit like your retarded views on gay marriage out there and you choose to take some sort of stupid moral stand, becoming the face of an entire backwards movement in the process, it's best if you have lived the kind of life that you are now pushing onto others.

Most importantly, all of this could have been avoided if everyone just stopped paying attention to the kind of stupid shit beauty pageant contestants think about. Unless it's Miss Teen South Carolina 2007, of course. That shit was hilarious.