ATM diaper baby.

Of course loudmouth, crybaby jerkoffs have always existed, but the Internet and more specifically the proliferation of obnoxious "social networking" sites have made it easier for them to find an audience with like-minded nitwits. Case in point: earlier this week, a self-proclaimed and heavily advertised "vegan, straight-edged anarchist" -- and I was embarrassed even typing that -- was shopping inside of an REI when he decided to take a picture of an open ATM that was in the process of being refilled with his iPhone. There's a lot going on in that sentence, so take a minute and picture an adult "anarchist", shopping at an REI (because the fight against the man may take place on any terrain, and you'd best be prepared... with a $300 backpack), snapping pictures with his an iPhone. Once you've pried your face from your palms using your feet, let's continue:

He claims he took the picture because he's "fascinated" by the insides of things, which also happened to be the story my defense used during that murder case. He also specifically states that he did not take the picture to "case the joint." Of course he wouldn't need to think or say that unless it's understood that some people may question him, which is exactly what these security guards did and are paid to do. They don't know this asshole. They're not mind-readers. So, naturally, the Loomis security guards are curious, and -- if this dork's account is at all accurate -- they asked if they could speak to him. But rather than just leaving the store, like he had every right to do and most normal human beings would have, he decides to stick around throw a tantrum. Because if he hadn't, he couldn't have complained about it later all over the Internet, which you know dickheads like this immediately begin planning the second they smell a confrontation. Anything for fifteen minutes of Internet fame. If an obnoxious asshole didn't have a blog, would he still act like such a fucking asshole? So he stays in the store and begins to verbally instigate the Loomis security guards... because he's SUCH A QUICK-WITTED BADASS. And what razor sharp zingers does he unholster? He calls them "fake cops!"

Seriously, are people still over the age of thirteen calling security guards (especially those with guns) "fake cops" and "rent-a-cops?" Shouldn't they be well past that by now? Are you being railroaded out of your favorite mall after loitering out front of Forever 21? Grow the fuck up. These are security guards; most likely full-time employees of Loomis. They're not pretending to be cops; they're not running around with plastic badges from Party City and they're not driving around the city with their heads hanging out of their open windows, making siren sounds with their mouths. Nobody calls whiny Ruby on Rails developers "fake programmers." But of course simple name calling was not enough power-fighting for this dipshit as he also finds it necessary to diagnose them with "fragile egos." Apparently in addition to being an "anarchist," he's also a physcologist.

Stores are not public property. As much as I appreciate the idea of being able to go anywhere I want and do anything I please at any time, it's simply not the case. And this has nothing to do with what idiots would call "a post-9/11 mentality" rather it has everything to do with the unpopular fact that GIANT CORPORATIONS also have rights. And I'm talking about real rights; not the invented shit smarmy twats like this love to trumpet and pretend they're defending. Yes, even companies like REI and Loomis have a right to privacy, but that concept is most likely lost on someone who relays every seconds of every minute of every day of their life, including what they're doing and where, to the entire Internet (just don't ask to see indentification). And these companies control -- or at least have the right to control -- what goes on on their premises. They have the right to ask you to stop taking pictures inside their store -- and most stores will do this -- and they can boot and ban you for as long as they like. They have the right to kick you out if they don't like your stupid face. It's their store, and if you don't like it, leave and never shop there again. It's all actually very simple. I've personally managed to stay out of most brick and mortar stores for years. Did you know that in addition to being an outlet for your trials and tribulations as a downtroden white man and a bulletin board for every little thing you do every second of your boring life, you can also buy shit off of it? Often for much less than you would anywhere else? Technology: it's fucking incredible.

So long and stupid story short, this self-important jackass acts like a spoiled cocksucker until "actual" cops (or would those be "very real security guards?") are called and he's taken to the local police station. All for absolutely nothing, of course. Zero charges are pressed; he's asked to sign a form stating that he's been banned from that particular REI for one year and they let him go home and blog and Tweet and whatever until he's blue in the face (remembering to namedrop Fall Out Boy in the process -- cool, dude!)

This being the Internet, it was only a matter of seconds before this fuck got exactly what he wanted and amassed an army of angry retards who were firing off angry letters to REI, threatening a boycott even though most of them have probably never step foot in one, all while chanting "Lawsuit! Lawsuit!" Because that's what this phony freedom you've invented is all about, right, Internet? Frivolous lawsuits?

Of course his story popped up on Consumerist, a site I generally enjoy and read regularly but has a habit of handing the conch over to raving lunatics who demand everyone bend over backwards to treat them like the fragile snowflake they are without ever bothering to investigate the story themselves (which I'm fairly certain is the cornerstone of legitimate journalism).

I hate to be the dude that says dumb shit like this, but with all the shit that goes down daily on this planet and in this country -- and hell, here in the city of Philadelphia -- it's amazing that this whitebread megadouche being detained for a half an hour is important enough to not only whore itself out all over the fucking Internet but to also score him radio and television interviews. Clearly this is the greatest injustice in the history of mankind. NO ACTUAL CHARGES WERE PRESSED -- THIS PIECE OF SHIT WALKED AWAY WITH A ONE YEAR REI BAN. THAT'S FUCKING IT.

Fuck, I hate this dude so much.

I'm not going to link to this dink's website and provide him with any more hits to jerk off to, so if you really want to read his assuredly unbiased recollection of this nailbiter, you can always Google it.